Explaining Life, Relationships, And a Lack of Sanity

Posts tagged ‘sex’

Pieces

You can’t see her because her personality is camouflaged.
You don’t care how she’s scared of showing all her flaws
You just want to be up in between her legs
as she’s moans on top of your bed
but she can’t get into your head!
The thing is….. (more…)

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You Love (Affair)

You love….

Her hips

Her lips

Her thighs

Her breasts

The way the curves of her body fit perfectly in your hands. (more…)

Loveless Society

I’m done with people. I am so done with people it is actually causing me physical pain and mental angst at the thought of dealing with anyone at this point.

I’m not one to follow the whole “religious/spiritual” thing with the whole no sex before marriage. Believe me, I thought about it, I tried for about 48 hours, and failed miserably the moment I became single. But in all honesty….. I’ve come to discover people only want sex. There is some uncontested primal need to simply get your pleasure out of sex and be done with it.

What happened to love and romance and the pursuit of a steamy and hopefully long-lasting relationship?

Do those not exist anymore? (more…)

The Indecent (Ratchet) Roommate

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For those who live on a college campus, I’m sure we’ve all experience that one (or many) sucky ass roommate(s). Well, I got one of those. This is not a first and it is something I am very used to. There is one thing though…. please remember that college is not high school. If you hit someone in high school, you get suspended. If you hit someone in college, you get arrested. (WELL HOT DAMN!)

In a sense it protects you, but at the same time if you have those people who are completely out of line and begin touching your stuff, you begin to wonder what you can do. Any ideas? OH! Well I have quite a few. ^._.^

1. She/He treats your dorm like its a free club (including access to your food)
If you want to be that “good student” you can simply harass your RA until they hate you. But you already know that in most cases this won’t work. SO….
You can put laxatives in ALL of the food that you know that they are stealing. It may end up being a little bit expensive because you have to have new food in a mini fridge in your room, but its hilarious to watch when everyone try to rush to the bathroom (which there is only one of) and there is plastic wrap on that wonderful porcelain seat. BWAH HA HA HA HA!

Another way to deal with the club thing (which can only be done if you’re a badass) Is kick a few people out. If the guests are in your living room, you can tell them to get the hell out before you call the police. The living room is a common space, and thus owned by both people in the room. They can curse all they want. But I love to laugh at their faces because I actually work in the building and will make sure there are forever issues for them! (Insert another evil laugh here)

2. The roommate that for some reason loves to hog the bathroom…..
I simply have a list for this!

  • Nair in the shampoo (hilarious!)
  • Glue sheet over the drain so everything floods
    If you’ve never played with glue as a kid, I will simply tell you that its invisible, thus very easy. Just make sure it dries first.
  • Vinegar or Apple vinegar in their toothpaste (my goodness is that disgusting!)
  • Partially unscrew the shower head, or just take it out in general. You can hide it until they call the RA but you can’t get in trouble for it due to the fact that you didn’t steal anything out of her room. The bathroom is still considered common ground in the dorm.
  • Messing with their acne products. Add a light butter for those who have the creams.

3. The “Let me have wild animal sex at 3am” roommate
Just have you and your friends stand outside the door and make wild animal sounds with them. Or, blow out a large candle in front of his/her door to let the smoke come in and start screaming fire. Just turn away to avoid seeing any unwanted images of nakedness.

4. The roommate who assumes that he/she is the boss
See…. this is my personal issue. Don’t act out just yet. You actually have to get your RA involved, you can hold attitude all you want, but don’t let them know you can handle them yet, you have to first come off as innocent to the staff dealing with the issue before ripping that ratchet roommate a new one. Once all the legalities are done, Make him/her cry. But let me tell you if you can’t play with fire don’t light it.
To one day be continued….. when all of this is settled of course

I Think I Broke My Junk

So for me, It has actually been a good while since any sex was involved in any of my activities. In all honesty, after a few months (maybe weeks, I stopped keeping track) you stop thinking about sex and become nearly robot-like in terms of productivity.

Its not a bad thing! Really! I mean, you can honestly sit with the person you love to bits and piece and tell yourself that you can have a proper conversation with said person and not be thinking about them naked. It is a beautiful thing. You learn a lot about each other aside from what they look like from an inappropriate position and how to describe the birth mark on their ass.

So what happens to the moments where you would have normally been going at it like dolphins (those suckers go at it I tell ya!)?
Well there is always…..

  • Casual conversation
  • working out
  • cooking
  • video games
  • cross word puzzles
  • dirty jokes that would usually lead to something else
  • a great amount of making out that could also lead to something else….

And then a look of realization and a tad bit of fear washes over your features when you realize you don’t want to go much farther….

OH DEAR HOOPLAH MY JUNK IS BROKEN!

Ugh! I’m too young for my dear friend to be broken! I mean seriously! Aren’t kids supposed to be the ones who do that to you? But then again we constantly hear the term if you don’t use it, you lose it.

*Looks down*

“Hello? Are you still working? I’m sorry for abandoning you for so long. I promise to use you again….. eventually.”

You honestly do start to ponder between two questions:Is it your partner? Or is it you?

I stared at my hubby and thought…. Sweet mama mosa you’re gorgeous,but I only wanna stare…. even if I DO know what you’re capable of. Does that mean I don’t want him anymore? Or we have simply moved to that stage in which a couple is very much satisfied with watching those awesome television series that come on when you get off of work.

Isn’t that not supposed to happen until we’re in our late thirties with kids!? This (as I said earlier) IS TOO EARLY!

And then there is always the case of those couples who become beyond cranky as time goes on without the sex. I mean sure, there are more than enough cases in which sex isn’t the main thing that holds the couple together, but if you really think about it, it is really hard to argue directly after sex. So far we aren’t cranky. Though I must say he gives me some awkward looks when I start running around the room half naked screeching and pointing at my vajayjay  “Baby seriously! I think it’s broken” when I find myself once again not in the mood.

*Slows breathing*

I guess its just a mental thing. I mean, obviously temporarily not wanting it is better than actually breaking it. There is this guy I know where he broke his with his girlfriend and had to get stitches.

YOU CAN GET STITCHES DOWN THERE?!

Okay, obviously I know you can, but who really wants to risk it? Imagine explaining your predicament to a doctor and then that psycho coming at you with pointy objects towards your private places! ICK!

I think I’d rather deal with a psyche out rather than actually breaking it…..

Though I still consider it broken

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