Explaining Life, Relationships, And a Lack of Sanity

Posts tagged ‘relationships’


I’m the jealous type……

…… And I’m in love with someone who probably wishes they didn’t have to love me back. That is if he is still capable of loving me at all.

I say the words I love you and he looks at me, showing me all the pain I had put him through over three years, and his response is “I loved you”.

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Because I’m still here trying to fix all that I messed up in our past. I still have him as one of my first thoughts as I wake up and one of the last before I fall asleep. I’m losing my mind because technically…. I already know he gave up on me. But I still want to show him that “this time it will be different”…. If there is another time.

We barely talk anymore… a message here and there throughout the day but when either of us pick up the phone (which has become a rare occasion) there are little words that can be said. I want to say I love you and show him that I’m not the girl who hurt him. That I’m not the girl who didn’t realize how much I needed to learn to love him back on the same level he loved me. I feel like he’s trying to escape every time we talk. Yet for the first time, we had a semi okay moment and went to lunch (which I was surprised he agreed to).

Once again the reality of the situation was thrown in my face before we even went through the doors…..

He’s (kinda) talking to someone else. If he could see the smile that came across his face while he spoke to her on the phone that I knew he didn’t have with me anymore…. the way he unconsciously avoided saying my name or mentioning that he was with me while he spoke to her…. (more…)



You can’t see her because her personality is camouflaged.
You don’t care how she’s scared of showing all her flaws
You just want to be up in between her legs
as she’s moans on top of your bed
but she can’t get into your head!
The thing is….. (more…)

You Love (Affair)

You love….

Her hips

Her lips

Her thighs

Her breasts

The way the curves of her body fit perfectly in your hands. (more…)

Imminent Emotion


The smile I have on my face right now…..

I’m not sure, it’s like I’m trying to find the emotion that fits this. It’s not love.

Because to say “love” this early would be quite stupid




….. Gas from a good burger?

I’ve never felt comfortable naked in front of anyone.

Hearing the words “You’re beautiful”, all while waiting for the other shoe to drop

That’s what I was used to…

“You’re perfect the way you are”….

….. “But make sure you get healthy”.

I will not fulfill America’s current standard of beauty

I’m not trying to

I’m trying to hold on to MY beautiful

Yesterday I received a look of not simple lust

But appreciation.

This man took hold of the extra curves I have above my hips

Absorbed every inch of my being through his gaze

….And told me that any woman who looks like me shouldn’t be scared of her own reflection just because she doesn’t fit the basic model of beauty.

Because that is exactly what it is:


Drawn within the lines of a coloring book with no space for imagination.

I am simply amazed


Because there are so many people out there who are afraid to acknowledge there is more than one acceptable body type…

He is not one of them

Between accepting not only my physical form

My near obsessive love for books

My un-ladylike way of screaming at the TV while playing Call of Duty

My crude sarcasm

….. And my fear of being accepted/being worthless

He reminded me that anything can change within the span of a single heartbeat

He showed me that not every relationship, you have to BE with someone

People have lost the definition of “relationship”

Now it is time for us to find it.

A friend is a form of relationship .

Beautiful and no less important or intimate than that of a couple.

Whomever my future husband may be….

There will be some serious jealousy towards him

Because I have deemed him as a new permanent

I calling the emotion: New.

Emotions are imminent when you meet someone you know will change your life

Loveless Society

I’m done with people. I am so done with people it is actually causing me physical pain and mental angst at the thought of dealing with anyone at this point.

I’m not one to follow the whole “religious/spiritual” thing with the whole no sex before marriage. Believe me, I thought about it, I tried for about 48 hours, and failed miserably the moment I became single. But in all honesty….. I’ve come to discover people only want sex. There is some uncontested primal need to simply get your pleasure out of sex and be done with it.

What happened to love and romance and the pursuit of a steamy and hopefully long-lasting relationship?

Do those not exist anymore? (more…)


…. It feels nice to be loved

To be wanted for more than just physical pleasures

To be completely weird and awkward

To have those silent conversations and then bust out laughing while we are surrounded by everyone

There is no definition for love

and it is more than just a feeling….

And I know now that there is no way I will ever define it and fully understand it

But it is the best thing we will ever have

Long Distance

I keep turning around thinking maybe just maybe my imagination hasn’t simply gone wild and I’ll catch a glimpse of your beautiful smile… but that is simply not going to happen. Because you are miles away in a land where I simply can’t touch you or hold you in a way where I should. Where if this were a normal relationship I could. Were this a normal relationship I would not be writing this. But instead I still in tears as people tell me to suck it up because there are people who “don’t get the chance to be with that proper someone”. If you have never been with the proper someone, then you are not experiencing the same pain. It is not something of a lesser pain, because the areas are not the same and are not to be compared. For those who do know and love that proper person, you also know that you are not supposed to be separated.

This is NOT for the teeny-boppers who want to defy their parents and their childhood for the first little boy that calls them beautiful with hidden intentions. I am not talking about that guy/girl that your friends and family tell you to leave and do better, and yet you stay with them hoping and praying they will change because that is the only idea of love you know. I am speaking of real commitment. That commitment you find after multiple experiences of trying and failing and they slowly put your heart back together one tiny piece at a time.

There are many points during my relationship in which I thought…. “What is the point of a long distance relationship?” Is it honestly still considered a relationship if you see them less than you see anyone else in the list of people you consider important in your life? That occasional phone call or Skype date in between work/class/life/etc., may give you that emotional boost for a moment, but when that call ends where does it leave you? That feeling of pure elation turning into complete and utter loneliness can be crippling. Looking past your computer screen or your phone you realize that your room is still empty. That your bed still has that extra space. That warmth you felt was only an illusion caused by the honey of his/her voice. How long will you be able to endure that pain of never knowing?

One of the hardest things to go through with a long distance relationship is trust. It is much harder if your relationship has always been long distance rather than beginning as a traditional relationship. When you’ve always been apart do you honestly feel the same commitment than if you saw them everyday? AND YOU WONDER WHERE TRUST ISSUES COME FROM!

I’m only here to make this short though….when you finally come together physically, do you have enough in common? Can you honestly function as a normal couple? Though you may have been together for years, it is like going through the honeymoon stage all over again. But with the honeymoon stage comes with the stage in which there is a blunt reality. Beginning to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship. It is almost unhealthy. A voice over the phone is completely different from a person in front of you.

For those who have kids within a long distance relationship, it is a little different. okay, a lot different. But I can’t write on that because I am still a college student and haven’t had the blessing of being in the right place in life to have children yet.

But…. Any ideas on how to make a long distance relationship work? Or possibly how to deal with the stress/loneliness/depression of long distance relationships?


Everyone enjoys a little laughter here and there. Not in a mean teasing way. I mean that deep chuckle where people would probably stop and look at you funny; tears coming out of your eyes as you try to catch your breath and try not to piss yourself.

Now think about how often we actually let ourselves have that in the world we live in….

We constantly busy ourselves with all kinds of work and responsibilities, yet we never remember that as a human being, WE, ourselves, the smiles that we try our dearest to hold on to, is still a responsibility. We constantly tell others that we wonder “What it would be like to be a kid again….”

I truly doubt it is all the responsibilities you are trying to get rid of. Because I sit here, currently stuck with my foot in a cast for another five weeks, wishing I could go back to work. And I don’t even like that job! Then again… I like always being in motion.


It is that freedom to laugh and smile with an open mind that we began to lose over the years. Instead so many people focus on the “facts” of life and simply go with it because apparently we have all become robots on a mission to make the world a better technological place.


For the love of all that is humane (and slightly funny) come out of your little shells and laugh for a bit. Myself as well because apparently the hubby said I didn’t do it enough. He then followed that statement by ambushing me with a tickle attack in which I laughed to the point where I accidentally elbowed him in the face and then kneed him in the chest. Okay, for most people tickle fights aren’t that dangerous. But I’m pretty sure you are getting the gist of things. We had fun and that is what matters.

Here are a few cheap (free) ways to get a few chuckles in during the free time of your day:

  • Awkward conversation
    • I hope that you know “awkward” isn’t used in that –I was the band geek in high school who couldn’t hold a proper conversation with the opposite sex without needing to use my inhaler- way (That was me a few times). I mean those conversations in which you can openly make weird faces and within those awkward faces, you’ve had a total conversation and you’ve ended up wherever you are, laughing your ass off.
  • Tickle Fights
    • I’m not quite sure why these have gone out of style. I mean honestly, they are not as dangerous as I made it seem! I PROMISE!
      • WARNING: Do not attempt to try this with random people, it will most likely have the opposite effect with possibly a restraining order.
  • Movie in a homemade fort
    • Grab as many blankets and pillows as you can and find something with enough space under it for more than one person. That would most likely be one of your table sets. For me, it is my bed since I can put my entire dresser under that thing. Then, grab your laptop, or maybe even your entire television (do NOT grab a dino-tv and attempt to move it into your new hidey-hole) and begin watching your choice of whatever with your favorite snack and someone to joke with next to you.
  • Random dancing
    • If your favorite song comes on in the store, dance to it. And if you want (which it is highly recommended) drag someone in with you. No, you do not always need to know the person, but at least ask permission first if they haven’t started rooting you on first.

Okay, now look back up at a few of these….

Anything familiar? Something?

These are all things that most people did as a kid. Grown-ups can do it too. ITS OKAY! I’m telling you, I doubt people are going to tell you to check yourself into a mental ward. I obviously only listed a few. There are a gazillion and one ways to laugh. What’s yours?

“Good Girls” Turned Cheaters

Okay, so obviously this is nothing new. People have been cheating since the beginning of freaking time. It was the simple matter of being even more discreet about it. But currently, I am simply confused and angered.

First of all, let me start with this…. Where did all the good girls go?  Not all of us have been scarred by some sucky ass-tastic partner, so what in the hell is going on? Relationships are obviously not for everyone. EVER! AT THE FUCK ALL! But to enter a relationship with only the intent to get laid, and then apparently not get laid enough for your own tastes and then begin to lay everyone, MAKES NO DAMN SENSE!

Yes, everyone has the right to their own sexual whatevers and what-nots. But let me put this out there for those who obviously don’t know: that is NOT what a relationship is for.

If you want sex; go get laid. But for the love of all that’s humane, don’t drag someone’s heart into it. There is honestly nothing wrong with having a friend (or more) with benefits. (Don’t worry, I’m saving the flaunting your assets like a whore vs being sexually emancipated for another damn day!) To say relationship on the other hand, is like entering a battlefield you are not trained for and you’re gonna go off killing people who aren’t even part of your ridiculous mess.

I’m not quite trying to stand up for the male gender. Because don’t get me wrong, both genders have a cheating track record for centuries, its simply whether or not who gets caught. But there are so many women I’ve met where they go off and say, “Oh, why the hell can’t I find a good man nowadays?” These are the same women who are walking around half nekkid (not “naked”, NEKKID [i.e. shorts where you can clearly see the end of what ass they have hanging out]) and have stories of sleeping with enough men WITHIN THE SAME GROUP to make a damn football team. Let me tell you where they went: You assisted in killing their personalities when you wanted sex because you equated sex with love and then looked for it in fifty-million places other than the home you had with them.

I mean come on! We are getting a bad name here! From waaaaay back when we were hitting puberty, we learned at least a small (no matter how minuscule it may be) insight on relationships. That if you weren’t happy, leave. It is no longer the idea of being “unhappy”. We are facing the concept of greed.

So for the ladies who say you can’t find a “good man” while you’re cheating on one because he “can’t satisfy you enough”, please, do the rest of the world a favor and just stop looking. I mean this from every side of the gender plate here. It’s like pollution on a small island, there really isn’t much to destroy before its all gone.

If you want to find a “good man” you have to be a good woman first. DAMN!

I Think I Broke My Junk

So for me, It has actually been a good while since any sex was involved in any of my activities. In all honesty, after a few months (maybe weeks, I stopped keeping track) you stop thinking about sex and become nearly robot-like in terms of productivity.

Its not a bad thing! Really! I mean, you can honestly sit with the person you love to bits and piece and tell yourself that you can have a proper conversation with said person and not be thinking about them naked. It is a beautiful thing. You learn a lot about each other aside from what they look like from an inappropriate position and how to describe the birth mark on their ass.

So what happens to the moments where you would have normally been going at it like dolphins (those suckers go at it I tell ya!)?
Well there is always…..

  • Casual conversation
  • working out
  • cooking
  • video games
  • cross word puzzles
  • dirty jokes that would usually lead to something else
  • a great amount of making out that could also lead to something else….

And then a look of realization and a tad bit of fear washes over your features when you realize you don’t want to go much farther….


Ugh! I’m too young for my dear friend to be broken! I mean seriously! Aren’t kids supposed to be the ones who do that to you? But then again we constantly hear the term if you don’t use it, you lose it.

*Looks down*

“Hello? Are you still working? I’m sorry for abandoning you for so long. I promise to use you again….. eventually.”

You honestly do start to ponder between two questions:Is it your partner? Or is it you?

I stared at my hubby and thought…. Sweet mama mosa you’re gorgeous,but I only wanna stare…. even if I DO know what you’re capable of. Does that mean I don’t want him anymore? Or we have simply moved to that stage in which a couple is very much satisfied with watching those awesome television series that come on when you get off of work.

Isn’t that not supposed to happen until we’re in our late thirties with kids!? This (as I said earlier) IS TOO EARLY!

And then there is always the case of those couples who become beyond cranky as time goes on without the sex. I mean sure, there are more than enough cases in which sex isn’t the main thing that holds the couple together, but if you really think about it, it is really hard to argue directly after sex. So far we aren’t cranky. Though I must say he gives me some awkward looks when I start running around the room half naked screeching and pointing at my vajayjay  “Baby seriously! I think it’s broken” when I find myself once again not in the mood.

*Slows breathing*

I guess its just a mental thing. I mean, obviously temporarily not wanting it is better than actually breaking it. There is this guy I know where he broke his with his girlfriend and had to get stitches.


Okay, obviously I know you can, but who really wants to risk it? Imagine explaining your predicament to a doctor and then that psycho coming at you with pointy objects towards your private places! ICK!

I think I’d rather deal with a psyche out rather than actually breaking it…..

Though I still consider it broken

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