Explaining Life, Relationships, And a Lack of Sanity

Posts tagged ‘life’

Motherhood Whirlwind…..

As I sit here, staring into the night/early morning, I think that there is much to be happy about. I mean between giving life and starting a new chapter of my own, there is much to be proud of. But then when you look around you and see how alone you’ve become, it sucks not only the joy out of you, but your strength. My mom keeps saying over and over “you’re not alone, you have me”
…. But I don’t think she understands how much that hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother (even more now knowing what she went through) but to have set goals, dreams, and people you loved, minimized to a single person, it hurts.
It burns more than tears can portray. (more…)


Trying to Study Abroad (Japan)

So….. I realized that I really can’t do anything for my birthday this year…..

As well as the fact that it’s my last year as an Undergraduate Student.

Thus I came up with an idea for the ultimate birthday present (seriously). I want to go to Japan this upcoming summer not only as a graduation gift to myself but further learn Japanese. I’m going to start asking (maybe a little begging) for donations for this trip as a birthday gift. With enough help I can go!

I mean seriously, how often do people get to study abroad!

…… Aside from really nice people in the world, does anyone have suggestions as to raising this money? Working two jobs I can barely do groceries monthly. Sad smile

Loveless Society

I’m done with people. I am so done with people it is actually causing me physical pain and mental angst at the thought of dealing with anyone at this point.

I’m not one to follow the whole “religious/spiritual” thing with the whole no sex before marriage. Believe me, I thought about it, I tried for about 48 hours, and failed miserably the moment I became single. But in all honesty….. I’ve come to discover people only want sex. There is some uncontested primal need to simply get your pleasure out of sex and be done with it.

What happened to love and romance and the pursuit of a steamy and hopefully long-lasting relationship?

Do those not exist anymore? (more…)

“That” Girl

I want to be “that” girl.

No, not the one where every guy has banged her and the girls look at her as if she isn’t worth the dirt she walks on.

I mean I want to be that WOMAN.

Anyone can be a friend with benefits or simply a f**k buddy. All you need are the right pieces. I want to be that woman that turns heads in her direction and keeps them there.

I want someone to want to get to know me. Not just explore my body as another voyage accomplished.

I want someone to look at me and say “Wow, that’s a really respectable (beautiful) looking woman, I want to get to know her:”. Not, “I want to get in her pants”

Then again no one looks at me in general.

Why do all of those girls have to be rail thin with perfect breasts and flowing hair with a thigh gap?

Why can’t one of “those” girls be a size 14 who enjoy the idea of reading a book a day and wear dorky glasses and not care about fitting into the Victoria’s Secret collection?

I don’t meet the standard view of beauty. I don’t turn heads.

But I want to….

Why do I have to meet some sex idol looks to have someone say a simple hello to me?

Do you know how degrading that is not just to a woman as a whole but to my self-esteem?

Why fear a woman’s intelligence? Or independence? Or the fact that not every woman is going to look like the women in magazine?! As it is so often stated: NOT EVEN THE WOMEN IN THE MAGAZINE LOOK LIKE THAT!

I just needed to vent. I hurt. Not jut for me but for every woman who is ostracized not only by men looking for the barbie made standards, but the women who put down their peers because they cannot reach the standards of perfection. 

Parental Supervision…. Or Lack Thereof

That awkward moment when your absent parent wants to be buddy buddy with you. Its just that….


Now I’m not the type to go off and say I hate either of my parents. I am not the hating type. BUT, I will clearly point out when someone is being an ignorant douchebag.

*Looks into corner of screen to catch a notification from daddy dearest”*…..

(>._.)> You sir, must have lost your mind.

No, I shall not accept your tags, friend requests, or breaths to coo over your new child that you have already managed to leave before she hit preschool.

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, I really don’t have much against distance parenting. I mean seriously, some people just can’t stand living with each other but love their child(ren) to bits. They are still present in the child’s life without causing some form of future emotional damage from the constant impending doom of a divorce.

And then there are the runaways…. No, I don’t mean the kids. I mean those parents who runaway from responsibility or simply get bored of the idea of supporting their spawn for eighteen years. Once everything gets heavy, they are dipping faster than a government official caught in a sex scandal (and they deny everything pretty fast!) They aren’t there for any struggles. Or discoveries. Or any of the things to represent the things that their child is growing up.

Oddly enough there is one thing that puzzles me: When their child has done some great accomplishment, they are all over that ownership like white on rice!

“Yeah! that’s my kid! My genes! You see how great they are?! That’s all mine!”

Uh? No…. That was hard work and determination (probably) with the help of the family that they are close to. Not you calling once a year to make sure you don’t need anything from them.

SO please, do the world a favor, and don’t be that absent parent. Much less that absent parent who only comes to claim their child(ren)’s success.

Being A Princess

Deferred gratification… How long are you supposed to wait


I am 21 years old…. and I want to be a princess. That is my Christmas wish. And I’m not talking about those frilly cry all over the place princesses with the pointy hats who can’t tie their own shoes if they were asked. I am talking about a woman who is fully on her way to becoming someone who can responsibly and logically lead a country. A woman in which people acknowledge the power she exhumes with calm rather than just focusing on the fact that she is just a woman doing it. But do you know what many princesses are portrayed with? People who love her. And I don’t mean “people” as in the general public. I mean friends and family.

And of course…. a man who is completely and utterly in love with her.

I am not saying I want to become some lazy woman who simply wants to be barefoot and pregnant in my kitchen. I still have dreams. Aspirations. A plan to maybe join some form of law enforcement or (if I somehow lose my mind) go to law school.

But let me say I am not a robot. Some may act as such, but we are not meant to be robots. We are human beings. And as much as too many people don’t want to admit, we need to hear that someone cares about us. To do something stupid and make us smile for the little things in life before we become too panicked from the big messes we make every day.

So let me just say….I want to be a princess. I want to be spoiled and hear someone say they love me and mean it. Let it be shown through many moments. I want to know that even though I work hard for myself, I don’t HAVE to do it alone. I work too hard. Being a full time student and working three jobs is not a life. It feels like a sentence to me. I know it will eventually get better. But for a little bit, can I at least feel like a princess while I do all of this?

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