Explaining Life, Relationships, And a Lack of Sanity

Posts tagged ‘break-ups’


I’m the jealous type……

…… And I’m in love with someone who probably wishes they didn’t have to love me back. That is if he is still capable of loving me at all.

I say the words I love you and he looks at me, showing me all the pain I had put him through over three years, and his response is “I loved you”.

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Because I’m still here trying to fix all that I messed up in our past. I still have him as one of my first thoughts as I wake up and one of the last before I fall asleep. I’m losing my mind because technically…. I already know he gave up on me. But I still want to show him that “this time it will be different”…. If there is another time.

We barely talk anymore… a message here and there throughout the day but when either of us pick up the phone (which has become a rare occasion) there are little words that can be said. I want to say I love you and show him that I’m not the girl who hurt him. That I’m not the girl who didn’t realize how much I needed to learn to love him back on the same level he loved me. I feel like he’s trying to escape every time we talk. Yet for the first time, we had a semi okay moment and went to lunch (which I was surprised he agreed to).

Once again the reality of the situation was thrown in my face before we even went through the doors…..

He’s (kinda) talking to someone else. If he could see the smile that came across his face while he spoke to her on the phone that I knew he didn’t have with me anymore…. the way he unconsciously avoided saying my name or mentioning that he was with me while he spoke to her…. (more…)


Love In Youth

I am not saying that love does not exist before a certain age, it may exist in all ages in infinite forms. But….

For the love of all that’s humane, to all the kids in high school and middle school saying that you’ll never fall in love again, or that you’ve found the love of your life and you’ve been dating for three weeks, please shut up and get your head in a book!

At this stage in life, teenagers have yet to get the chance to discover and love themselves first. So how will you love someone else if you don’t know who you are? I can understand if you like them, and even “like, like” them. Yet there are so many cases where it is simply a case of lust. As we grow up we seek attention and a more intimate way to express ourselves. Sex in high school, is not the way to do it. I love how they use the term “Oh, well everyone else is doing it!” Yes, well everyone else is getting knocked up and added to a statistic…. AND THERE ARE GIRLS WHO FIND THIS “ROMANTIC”

What is wrong with these kids? A baby will not make a broken relationship work. Nor will it make a one night hit-it-and-quit-it work either.

Ugh…. this is turning into one of those “wrap it before you tap it first” posts…
And thus it shall be!

Let’s start with that cotton candy and unicorns with rainbows “love” you’re feeling first….
If one of your thoughts is “I have to sleep with said person or they won’t love me anymore”, you are not in love. You are in the mind state called intimate stupidity. It can only be cured with blunt/harsh reality or age. What is wrong with with being attracted to the mind? Learning more about the person you are trying to get with? I am trying to discover where these kids connect the idea of sex with proof of love. Starting your sex count early is nothing to be proud of and wave about like a slutty little flag. In the beginning, sure, you think it is all fun and games. You gain popularity for a bit, but after a while, you become the freak of the week. The one person that everyone can get in bed with. People are no longer looking for you for love, they are looking for a quick hit. So you guys are looking for “love” in all of the wrong places! No, there is no clear definition of love. But it does not have to include sex. Especially at that age. Sex only makes things more complicated. It may seem like a temporary fix. But it is just that, temporary. That person you lose your virginity to (at least for girls), you are connected to that person for a lot longer than you’ll ever want. Even when they leave you because they’ve “had enough of your emotional drama” (aka, your ideas of love). 

Now that you’re knocked up…. That delusional period in which you believe they will come back because since they slept with you, they really do love you
(Insert sarcastic look here)

Well, you are about to be bitch slapped by reality, HARD! Babies are not what makes boys stay. Men sometimes stay and take up responsibility, but in most cases, at that age, you are not dating a man, you are dating a boy. Boys want video games, attention (when they’re not doing something wrong), and sex. I’m not trying to bash on guys, because like I said, there are men (note the word men) in this world who do a great job. Boys have not grown into that recognition of responsibility.

Before I start and get all upset in this section, my question to these young women: What in the world is poisoning your poor little minds to think that these boys will stay because you’re having their baby? HONESTLY!

A baby requires…….

  • Food
  • Diapers
  • Nursing (time AND FOOD)
  • Clothing
  • Bath stuff
  • Crib
  • High Chairs
  • Car seats 
  • strollers
  • Dr. visits
  • Time, time, AND MORE TIME
  • 3am wake-up calls
  • constant attention (as in 24/7, not “oh, my parents can watch the baby while I go hang out with my friends”
  • and a bunch of other stuff both monetary and non-monetary that will leave you in one hell of a pickle if you don’t have it.

That dear readers, is a very small list and leaves out quite a bit. Yet adding up how much that costs for a single week, is painful to the wallet. Most teens, or young adults in their first year of college, are either not working (which is often the case) or working a minimum wage job at the first place that will hire them with their lack of secondary education or job experience. If we (I include myself at this point because I indeed work minimum wage along with work study and work my ass off) can barely pay our phone bills, if you even pay that, what makes you think at a young age, that a baby would be good for your already tender relationship. And I do not want to hear, “Ohhhh, well the person I’m with is perfect and they love me and absolutely nothing could go wrong because we are friggin perfect”, because I will indeed barf at your empty-minded response.

Anyways, back to what I was saying. Guys (especially in high school) tend to believe that even if they get a girl pregnant, the girl is the one who is more responsible. It is an equal responsibility ladies and gents! If you’ve ever watched teen mom, you would see that it is always the girl that is the one who practically loses all of her hopes and dreams except for that of her child, and even then, may even feel regret and disdain towards her child. Maybe teen mom/ 16 and Pregnant was a bad example. In all honesty it is a very skewed view. Being that they are paid for these shows, they at least have a little bit of financial responsibility. Life doesn’t always work like that. If you look at honest statistics, there is a nice level of screwed to those involved in young pregnancies.

There is always the Maury/Jerry Springer response of “It’s not my baby” or “She’s just a hoe”. This happens way too damn often. Where is that love that you were expecting ladies? Where? Women too often become a victim with that. Or if he doesn’t claim that, there is the very famous questions of “are you sure you want to keep it?” indicating either adoption or abortion, either way, it is an attempt to escape this new responsibility. That smile that you had on your face in excitement thinking “Yes, he’s definitely going to stay” dropped of your face faster than weight from a self-conscious model on a water diet. There are so many ways this story can go, but I’ll give you the top three…

Thus… there is option 1: He stays

Okay, so you somehow chose to stay together and think of raising a baby. And through mood swings and many many fights, arguments, disagreements, and things you learn about each other that you are beginning to find revolting and regret, the baby arrives. The first person up at two a.m to a screaming baby? The girl. There are many cases where obviously at that age, wither the guy is not able to stay over or simply you live in two different areas. By the girl being the main care giver, there is no time for school. parties. friends. hell, family, or even trying to catch up on her preferred social network.

Quick test: if you have a sibling, niece, nephew, friend with a baby under the age of three; offer to babysit him/her by yourself for one day. Just one, and try to finish all of your homework at the same time. You are not allowed to use the T.V as a babysitter and you must make sure you fulfill their needs. Tell me how that goes.

With the constant stress of pretty much working alone, because eventually one of you have to work and in many cases (if it happens) its the guy, there will become tension between the two people. And then it will explode. The end. Either way, you fight, realize you weren’t met to be in a permanent relationship, and it ends.

Option 2: He runs for his sad immature life

What happens? The girl is screwed and has even more stress. Maybe if she hasn’t been shunned by her friends and family, she’ll have some back-up. But in a younger age (as in before traditional college graduation) people will not be inviting the girl with the baby to the club every weekend. Not to mention that she most likely wouldn’t be able to afford it paying for a baby solo.

Option 3: The girl does the completely selfish and idiotic thing of giving up her baby to stay with the guy.

*Quick note: I have nothing against adoption and what not. But if it is for selfish reasons other than the fact that one truly and honestly knew deeply in their mind body and soul that they could not keep the baby, that is beyond effed up.

First of all, if a girl is giving up the child that was made between her and the person she was dating (or just sleeping with) just so she could continue her relationship without a hitch, you are a bitch. Yes, I am judging. If you make your bed, you lay in it. Not make it, light it on fire, and then claim it was never your bed in the first place.

What happens when he leaves? She gave up a child for someone who never loved her. Hmmm….. well that’s gotta suck pretty hard.

Anywho…. that was my rant.


Love as the Enemy

Love will grab you at the most unwanted and inappropriate moment. It will hold you until you give in and you’re stuck with it as it has buried itself into an artery, trying to remove it will only harm yourself.

You accept it and soon become blind to the flaws and situations where you may begin to lose yourself and your aspirations. While society may see it clearly without you, you protect the hot mess you stand next to and claim it to be a misunderstood puzzle of beauty and diamonds.

While being blinded from reality you slowly begin to lose all that was yours. There is no time to grab it because by the time you have once again opened your eyes all you possibly have left is the ground you began with as all the blueprints you created over the years flow within the air above you. What you chase and catch, damaged by the exposure to the sun and all the elements. Including the tears that are now rushing freely down your face to wash away the rest of it.

Falling to your knees in a world you no longer belong in, you catch the glance of love staring at you from a distance where you can’t harm the physical version of the idea. You run towards it anyways. Desperate to regain what you believe was wrongly taken from you.

By the time you get there love has a smug smile on its face as if it has already won the battle and the war. Reaching into your chest it grabs the self that it left behind with you from when you first met.

The wish you had to relieve yourself of has been fulfilled while the only thing you can now feel is empty. It is not what you expected and you realize it is what you never wanted. Your heart bleeding from a battle wound you knew you could have never avoided.

Heart unusable and irreplaceable, you now have nothing.

What you worked for, lost in a fantasy.

The fantasy that held you from the harsh reality, now broken.

And the battle lost because you attempted to step backwards into your own ways rather than embrace a terrifying opportunity that you had control over the whole time.

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