Explaining Life, Relationships, And a Lack of Sanity

Reckless

I’m the jealous type……

…… And I’m in love with someone who probably wishes they didn’t have to love me back. That is if he is still capable of loving me at all.

I say the words I love you and he looks at me, showing me all the pain I had put him through over three years, and his response is “I loved you”.

Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. Because I’m still here trying to fix all that I messed up in our past. I still have him as one of my first thoughts as I wake up and one of the last before I fall asleep. I’m losing my mind because technically…. I already know he gave up on me. But I still want to show him that “this time it will be different”…. If there is another time.

We barely talk anymore… a message here and there throughout the day but when either of us pick up the phone (which has become a rare occasion) there are little words that can be said. I want to say I love you and show him that I’m not the girl who hurt him. That I’m not the girl who didn’t realize how much I needed to learn to love him back on the same level he loved me. I feel like he’s trying to escape every time we talk. Yet for the first time, we had a semi okay moment and went to lunch (which I was surprised he agreed to).

Once again the reality of the situation was thrown in my face before we even went through the doors…..

He’s (kinda) talking to someone else. If he could see the smile that came across his face while he spoke to her on the phone that I knew he didn’t have with me anymore…. the way he unconsciously avoided saying my name or mentioning that he was with me while he spoke to her….

I sat there, pretending to look at the menu, already knowing what I wanted to order but no longer having the appetite for it as he stayed on the phone a bit longer….

Yeah, I’m the jealous type….. I guess I’m also the reckless type. Because I thought to myself “maybe trying is useless…”

Hell, somewhere deep inside of my soul I already know it’s useless. That despite all the time we’ve traded I love you, and I miss you, and “I miss us”….. he ONLY misses what we used to have. But he’s too scared to imagine what we could build again.

I want to show him the world and that though it might take time that I’m willing to put that same world and more and my back and carry it all for him.

Sadly I don’t see his grasping that concept. I see him forever keeping a distance and believing that this new build woman is only temporary…. and that she is built on the foundations of a reckless girl who screwed him over and that past will eventually grow like weeds between the bricks….

So he’ll stay away from that foundation and instead go towards an option that he knows was built on a clean slate. Where he doesn’t have to constantly remember all that happened.

But love is a complicated mess…

I’ve come to hate the word “complicated”.

It is what came to describe the relationship we had. Even if I could wish to stop loving him, and that wish be granted, I doubt I could let the words leave my mouth with honesty.

He told me to stop trying….

….. That he’s given up on me….

And yet he won’t go. He won’t leave me behind. I guess I’m a bit crazy, because through that I see the tiniest ember struggling to survive. With the slightest wind it will disappear and fail to become a fire.

Can I try without it meaning nothing? Because I feel like I’m doing this all for naught as someone makes him smile the same way I used to…..

He’s scared of a relationship with me… and I honestly can’t blame him based on our past. I just wish he would take a moment and see me now without all that I used to be.

I wonder if I ever come to his mind anymore or if I’m simply a burden because I’m still in love with him while he’s trying to let go of me…. I keep calling him baby/babe by accident. No matter how much I hold my tongue it still slips. The times it does slip, no matter how much it unconsciously means to me, it may hold no meaning to him.

I feel like I am fighting a battle I’m bound to lose. But I won’t stop moving forward until my soul has been completely shattered. Until I lose the ability to love him as much as I do.

Until he says “I don’t love you anymore”…..

Before all hell broke lose he asked me to wait for him…. and like an idiot I had said no. So when I asked him the same thing as we stand in what seems like one of the rings of hell, he gave the same response.

I don’t know what to do anymore….. as he said, we’ve run out of words to say.

I just pray that one day he’ll give me the chance to show him that I could love him unconditionally….. and I pray even harder that the only word left to say at the end of it all is “yes”.

There are beautiful people in this world. And I managed to lose the most beautiful man I know.

So I’m praying….

And praying some more.

He’ll eventually say yes, or say he doesn’t love me anymore.

If it’s the second one, I’ll obviously have no reason anymore, and learn to live without him in my life at all. All I could to at that point would be to then pray for his happiness and never involve myself with him again.

Until then…. I’m still trying to show him the world.

I’m still trying to rebuild a foundation and let him discover who I am as a friend and maybe he’ll see who I am one day….

I’m singlehandedly fighting for a relationship that he already said wasn’t there…..

….. So then please…. why does he stay?

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