Explaining Life, Relationships, And a Lack of Sanity

Motherhood Whirlwind…..

As I sit here, staring into the night/early morning, I think that there is much to be happy about. I mean between giving life and starting a new chapter of my own, there is much to be proud of. But then when you look around you and see how alone you’ve become, it sucks not only the joy out of you, but your strength. My mom keeps saying over and over “you’re not alone, you have me”
…. But I don’t think she understands how much that hurts. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother (even more now knowing what she went through) but to have set goals, dreams, and people you loved, minimized to a single person, it hurts.
It burns more than tears can portray.
My hopes and dreams that I originally had aren’t even sitting in the horizon in which I face. The people I should have held on to now stand at a distance in which I may occasionally speak to, but now feel unattainable.
My soul hurts…. When you’re told that the plans God have for you usually feel like something more than you can push through, there is no exaggeration. I can’t sit and question God and ask why, only walk on the road he’s paved in front of me. In my impatience I keep looking for other roads despite knowing I’d only crash….
I sat and asked to have love back. That I would appreciate it this time around.
And he said I have more love than I can imagine, I just have to be patient.
I asked for happiness, and he said that I have it, I just have to open my eyes.
I ask for peace within my soul, and he said my soul is already being pieced together.
So why is it that I feel that I can only sit here and cry?
I can’t say I missed the love I used to have because I know it will be incomparable to the love ahead of me…. and yet I still feel empty.
I look down to the person growing inside me and try to remind myself that she/he is there outside of simply making me nauseous.
The dreams that I don’t remember… Are they about my child that I have yet to say hello to? I wish I knew.
The patience you find in motherhood isn’t simply from the trials of birth and labor. It is the months beforehand in which you find yourself questioning yourself and God as your life changes in a whirlwind around you and you feel you no longer know what you can do..

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