There are times where I question if this is all worth it.
Love: It’s a beautiful thing
But I wonder….. Does it always come with restrictions? In some aspects I wonder if I’m really completely happy. But then there are those moments where I find myself censoring my words, thoughts, and actions. Recently, It’s been more often then not. I never believed myself to be that kind of person. To have to constantly hold back opinion in order to soothe the minds of others.
I don’t like the feeling. If it wasn’t made obvious previously, I’m letting it be known now.
I am a person who rants when someone approaches me and we discuss how they are in a controlling relationship. I’m starting to think…. “Am I in the same boat?” Obviously not on the same level, but in that boat none the less. I don’t like the angry reaction I receive for simply complimenting someone on his/her look. In most cases I’m not even saying it consciously. I say “wow, he/she looks pretty good today”. For some reason it’s translated as if I want to jump said person’s bones (even if we have never met).
Does everyone in a relationship become freakishly self-conscious? I thought a relationship was supposed to complete someone. Not break them down in certain areas. Maybe this is the term “I can’t live without him/her” comes from. Once you’re neck deep, you have unconsciously lost part of yourself as they have replaced your other half. I’ve said from day one that I didn’t want to lose any of myself. And I haven’t. But for some reason, in certain areas in strains my relationship to the fullest. I am a person who expresses my freedom as any happy person would. I love to dance for one. And personally, I’ve never believed that dancing should EVER be restricted. I will make my way around the dance floor like a whirlwind, keeping everything in motion and pushing it faster. I have no problem dancing with my significant other. But in a sense, he makes it seem as if I’m not allowed to do this without him, and it hurts. I’ve been living on my own for two years. Meeting new people and all. And yet in my youth since I’ve gone on my own, I’ve only gone to the club once. For my birthday. Strictly dancing only with him. Am I being unfair? We live quite a few miles apart. He says he doesn’t want me going out without him despite the fact that he can almost never get to where I stay. I’m starting to feel like a trapped animal. I want the freedom that everyone else has.
All I do is work, go to class, tutor, sleep, eat, repeat. I have done nothing for myself in quite a long time all because he trusts no one. I’m changing this. ASAP. I am a woman, not a child that he babysits. And I refuse to be treated as such.
I don’t say I love him because I’m afraid. I say I love him because it is a genuine emotion towards him along with the general anger, annoyance, happiness, utter joy, and the occasional awkwardness.
So I guess there are a few things that need to be fixed….. This will be one step out of many. We both have things we need to work on. The issue is actually facing them though.